My name is Joel.
As I'm sure most of you can tell, I mull over a lot of things in my head. Things I could have done better, how things would be different, anything like that. I accept the present I am in, but it still doesn't stop me from wishing things different in the past. -- A point of contention in my last relationship came about when my step-brother's bachelor party and my girlfriend's sister's wedding fell on the same day. It was not an easy situation. To this day I feel absolutely terrible how things went down and wish I would have made a different decision.
I was set to be the Best Man in my step-brother's wedding and was pretty excited about going out with our group of friends for a night on the town. Originally, I was to be in charge of the festivities for the night, as most Best Men are. Well, this quickly changed because my step-brother is pretty controlling about this kind of thing and wanted to make sure he got to do what he wanted to do and everyone else would have to go along. He wanted to go to a few bars and strip clubs in Indianapolis. And I thought, "ok, whatever", it's the only bachelor party he's ever going to get and, having been to a strip club before (for another bachelor party), I thought it shouldn't be that big of a deal. Mostly in the sense of the fact that you determine your involvement at a strip club. If you don't want to go to the stage or get a private dance, then you don't have to. Inevitably, you will see quite a few topless girls walking about or dancing, but that goes with the territory.
The worst part about the whole predicament, I didn't think I had a choice. I was slated to transport my step-brother to and from the bachelor party and make sure he didn't get into too much trouble. I understood my ex's trepidation when it came for me going to the strip club. She wanted me all to herself, she didn't want me to think of another girl in a sexual way or have any other stray thoughts that would put our relationship in jeopardy. I guess the thing I never could instill in her enough, was that she is so amazingly beautiful, no other girl, much less a stripper, could compare to her. She was and still is stunning.
So obviously, I went to the bachelor party, texted her most of the night and when I came home the next day, everything seemed fine. I think she trusted me a little bit after that day, I came home, told her all the stuff that happened, and then we took a nap and all was fine.
Side note: I don't really know what message I was really looking for by writing this post, but yeah.
Tonight she went to her first strip club.
I hope she knows that I was deathly faithful to her. I still am.
//
Song of the day: Noble Aim by Sleeping At Last
About Me
- bottomofthejoel
- Indiana, United States
- My name is Joel, I'm 26. This is more for me than it is for you. Judge accordingly.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
I Miss
You know what I miss?
Of course I miss you,
but I miss all your quirks
and things that you do.
The way that you laugh,
when you try hard for a joke,
when you made fun of me
for when I misspoke.
When you flirted with girls,
more than with me.
When you take all the pictures
of when you go pee.
I miss all our drives,
with the top down, you know.
The wind in our faces,
the tan lines, that show.
I miss all the small things
and of course I miss you.
But it's not all that I miss.
I miss us, too.
//
Song of the day: Genevieve by Lucius
Of course I miss you,
but I miss all your quirks
and things that you do.
The way that you laugh,
when you try hard for a joke,
when you made fun of me
for when I misspoke.
When you flirted with girls,
more than with me.
When you take all the pictures
of when you go pee.
I miss all our drives,
with the top down, you know.
The wind in our faces,
the tan lines, that show.
I miss all the small things
and of course I miss you.
But it's not all that I miss.
I miss us, too.
//
Song of the day: Genevieve by Lucius
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Fourth Estate
My name is Joel.
Have you ever had the opportunity to do something great with you life? Had the choice between sitting on the couch and getting out of the house and doing something? I now, officially, have this opportunity. And I am pretty excited about it. We are the Fourth Estate.
The Fourth Estate is a movement. It is a call to action.
The "estates of the realm" were broad social orders of hierarchy conceived in the Middle Ages. The three estates were: the clergy (first estate), nobility (second estate), commoners (third estate)1. In the days that the three tiered system was in use, there was a icon called the "power pyramid". A pyramid sliced horizontally to represent the hierarchy in society, the top two layers being the people with power and the bottom layer being the common man. Since the Middle Ages humanity has progressed and the estates have changed meanings. The top two layers still are mostly the same, the governments and the people with the most wealth. During the French Revolution the third layer (third estate) rose up with the aim of establishing individual rights for every citizen during the revolution. But by adding the fourth layer, the biggest collection of people, we have turned the "power pyramid" on it's head.
This is the Liberty Triangle. Representing the way the world should work. The group of society with the most voices and the most humanity should have the most power. In adding this layer, we are expanding (exponentially) the call for defense of liberty and equality on a global stage2.
The Fourth Estate Leadership Summit is my opportunity. Fourteen hundred likeminded world changers will descend onto the campus of UCLA during August to hear from various keynote speakers, to learn and discuss how we can help change the world. I have applied and been accepted to take part in this exclusive event. And even if you don't know me, even if none of this means anything to you...take a moment a check out the (hopefully functioning) link below and help me realize my dream.
http://www.gofundme.com/2hb8hs
The opportunity to go this is a realization of four years of strong support for a non-profit organization called Invisible Children, no doubt you have heard of them and last year's most viral video "Kony 2012". Ultimately, I would love to work for them, to make world changing a lifestyle, not just a hobby.
Thank you for your support, if you have any questions or further inquiries feel free to comment below or ask for further ways to contact me.
1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Estates_of_the_realm
2. http://blog.invisiblechildren.com/2012/04/05/the-liberty-triangle/
//
Song of the day: The Fold by Ivan & Alyosha
Have you ever had the opportunity to do something great with you life? Had the choice between sitting on the couch and getting out of the house and doing something? I now, officially, have this opportunity. And I am pretty excited about it. We are the Fourth Estate.
The Fourth Estate is a movement. It is a call to action.
The "estates of the realm" were broad social orders of hierarchy conceived in the Middle Ages. The three estates were: the clergy (first estate), nobility (second estate), commoners (third estate)1. In the days that the three tiered system was in use, there was a icon called the "power pyramid". A pyramid sliced horizontally to represent the hierarchy in society, the top two layers being the people with power and the bottom layer being the common man. Since the Middle Ages humanity has progressed and the estates have changed meanings. The top two layers still are mostly the same, the governments and the people with the most wealth. During the French Revolution the third layer (third estate) rose up with the aim of establishing individual rights for every citizen during the revolution. But by adding the fourth layer, the biggest collection of people, we have turned the "power pyramid" on it's head.
This is the Liberty Triangle. Representing the way the world should work. The group of society with the most voices and the most humanity should have the most power. In adding this layer, we are expanding (exponentially) the call for defense of liberty and equality on a global stage2.
The Fourth Estate Leadership Summit is my opportunity. Fourteen hundred likeminded world changers will descend onto the campus of UCLA during August to hear from various keynote speakers, to learn and discuss how we can help change the world. I have applied and been accepted to take part in this exclusive event. And even if you don't know me, even if none of this means anything to you...take a moment a check out the (hopefully functioning) link below and help me realize my dream.
http://www.gofundme.com/2hb8hs
The opportunity to go this is a realization of four years of strong support for a non-profit organization called Invisible Children, no doubt you have heard of them and last year's most viral video "Kony 2012". Ultimately, I would love to work for them, to make world changing a lifestyle, not just a hobby.
Thank you for your support, if you have any questions or further inquiries feel free to comment below or ask for further ways to contact me.
1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Estates_of_the_realm
2. http://blog.invisiblechildren.com/2012/04/05/the-liberty-triangle/
//
Song of the day: The Fold by Ivan & Alyosha
Friday, February 22, 2013
Thank You
My name is Joel.
It's been eight days. Eight days since my last post. It's been a weird and interesting last week or so. Things seem to be going well for me, it's fun to be happy again. It's nice to look forward to the next day while not being totally drug down by the day behind me.
There are a few things that writing in my blog has taught me, it has helped me and it has hindered me. The positives are huge. It has gotten my feelings out in the open, it gives me an outlet so I'm not a total head case for most of the day, and not to mention it lets the people who care enough to read a chance to know who I actually am. I love, hard. I laugh, harder. The negatives of it have been as much a detriment as a help. My words became my own enemy, sharing too much, letting people in on things that should definitely stay private. My personal life should not always be public consumption.
Let me be clear, this will always be the place I will go when I need to get my thoughts out. But as of right now, I actually have a few things working for me. It hasn't become a necessity for be to tell you how my life is going. It's going well. There is a light at the end of that tunnel. She may not be mine, she may not be close, but she has opened back up to me and she is thinking about it. That's more than enough for me.
So thank you, everyone who has read, everyone who has cared, everyone who doesn't give a shit but still want to look in on how pathetic things were for me. Know, people read this, it helped. And to the girl: I love you. You know this. Thank you.
//
Song of the day: Wishing Well by The Colourist
It's been eight days. Eight days since my last post. It's been a weird and interesting last week or so. Things seem to be going well for me, it's fun to be happy again. It's nice to look forward to the next day while not being totally drug down by the day behind me.
There are a few things that writing in my blog has taught me, it has helped me and it has hindered me. The positives are huge. It has gotten my feelings out in the open, it gives me an outlet so I'm not a total head case for most of the day, and not to mention it lets the people who care enough to read a chance to know who I actually am. I love, hard. I laugh, harder. The negatives of it have been as much a detriment as a help. My words became my own enemy, sharing too much, letting people in on things that should definitely stay private. My personal life should not always be public consumption.
Let me be clear, this will always be the place I will go when I need to get my thoughts out. But as of right now, I actually have a few things working for me. It hasn't become a necessity for be to tell you how my life is going. It's going well. There is a light at the end of that tunnel. She may not be mine, she may not be close, but she has opened back up to me and she is thinking about it. That's more than enough for me.
So thank you, everyone who has read, everyone who has cared, everyone who doesn't give a shit but still want to look in on how pathetic things were for me. Know, people read this, it helped. And to the girl: I love you. You know this. Thank you.
//
Song of the day: Wishing Well by The Colourist
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Progress
My name is Joel.
Today has been kind of a mess. I missed work this morning, on accident for once, I totally forgot to set my alarm. Which is so unlike me, I was super mad at myself to start the day. Then as the morning wore on, I was talking to one of my oldest and best friends. On Sunday she decided to tell me that she wasn't going to come visit me this month and that I should come visit her. Well, that sent me on kind of a mental dive.
Let me elaborate. Laura has been my friend for the past seven years, we've been through a lot together. We've lived together, gone through various respective breakups, and saw each other fall in love time and again. So there is obviously a lot of history. Kind of in the way that only male and female friends can be over a close friendship that long there has been feelings stomped on and misunderstandings, so it happens in most friendships. But there has always been a little bit more with Laura. I had the biggest crush on her when we first met, heck I went about three years trying to make something work out. But the combination of distance and bad timing always kept us in the friendship zone. Needless to say, that's actually the only place we have ever been. It's one of those friendships that you know what the other person is thinking before they can even have a facial reaction or open their mouth, we get each other. So it goes that every time one of us has felt lonely, out of the loop, depressed, or just plain bad, we always reached out to the other to talk, to vent, to have someone listen who has been through so much with you before. And for most of the time I've known her, I thought myself in love with her. And I actually might have been at one point, but it's always been more friend love than actual love. But anyway, back to the present. I kind of jumper her case this morning because I was tired of being the only person who seemed to ever sacrifice something when it came to the give and take of our relationship. I drove her high school back and forth across Indiana to come see her. I am the one who goes out of their way to come and visit. In my mind, I had been bending over backwards for her for longer than I ever would have expected, without getting much back. So needless to say, I was upset. I dumped on her for a good ten minutes, telling her that I always seemed to be the one sacrificing, the one helping her through a tough time. It seemed to me that she only returned the favor when it suited her, when I caught her at the right time.
Obviously I was very short sided in my arguments. I never would have been friends with someone who is that selfish and that self centered. Luckily, she forgave me for dumping on her and even apologized for seeming to selfish, she didn't realize everything was perceived that way. She even pointed out that I only ever seemed to talk to her when I felt lonely. Not because I miss her, but because I miss being with someone. And to be honest, I can't really dispute that in earnest. I do miss her, that much she is wrong about, I can still talk to her about anything in my life and not expect a judgmental word. But the missing being with someone part, I am definitely guilty. That much is clear by this blog all together. I originally started this blog because I just had back surgery and was a homebody for six months. I needed an outlet. And I write best about what I feel. I obviously feel the most strongly about my relationships with people, past and present. They shape who I am, who I was, who I might be.
Laura has been such a huge part of my life, she was there with me when I started college and has been with me up until now. That's over seven years of friendship. That's a lifetime for me. But like I said, even though she is my dearest friend, I do miss being with someone. I renewed writing in this blog to make my feelings known about another relationship. A seemingly much more important relationship. One I thought I could fix with words. One that I thought I could fix with actions. But it seems as though only time can fix it. Truthfully, I know things have changed with that relationship. We aren't the same people we were two months ago. I've seen more growth in myself at this point in my life than I have since getting out of high school. I'm changing my body, I'm changing my schooling, I'm changing the way I perceive things. For instance, there are a lot of negative things in my head that I have wanted to say recently, but I know nothing good will come of it. I know it won't even make me feel better to say it aloud. So it's out of my mind, I don't think about it. That's progress for me. Rather than bringing up something hurtful or juvenile to get my just rewards, I let it slide. Progress.
Moreover, I have let slip the notion that, as of right now, there is anything I can do to get you back. I can't expect you to see a tweet, read a blog post, or return a text message, and hope it makes a difference. It won't. I can accept that now. But I still know you read my tweets, I'm sure you still look at this blog. And that to me is progress too. You may not love me in the way that I love you right now. Because I am still IN love. But you might again sometime. And that, is progress.
//
Song of the day: Nightmare by Guards
Today has been kind of a mess. I missed work this morning, on accident for once, I totally forgot to set my alarm. Which is so unlike me, I was super mad at myself to start the day. Then as the morning wore on, I was talking to one of my oldest and best friends. On Sunday she decided to tell me that she wasn't going to come visit me this month and that I should come visit her. Well, that sent me on kind of a mental dive.
Let me elaborate. Laura has been my friend for the past seven years, we've been through a lot together. We've lived together, gone through various respective breakups, and saw each other fall in love time and again. So there is obviously a lot of history. Kind of in the way that only male and female friends can be over a close friendship that long there has been feelings stomped on and misunderstandings, so it happens in most friendships. But there has always been a little bit more with Laura. I had the biggest crush on her when we first met, heck I went about three years trying to make something work out. But the combination of distance and bad timing always kept us in the friendship zone. Needless to say, that's actually the only place we have ever been. It's one of those friendships that you know what the other person is thinking before they can even have a facial reaction or open their mouth, we get each other. So it goes that every time one of us has felt lonely, out of the loop, depressed, or just plain bad, we always reached out to the other to talk, to vent, to have someone listen who has been through so much with you before. And for most of the time I've known her, I thought myself in love with her. And I actually might have been at one point, but it's always been more friend love than actual love. But anyway, back to the present. I kind of jumper her case this morning because I was tired of being the only person who seemed to ever sacrifice something when it came to the give and take of our relationship. I drove her high school back and forth across Indiana to come see her. I am the one who goes out of their way to come and visit. In my mind, I had been bending over backwards for her for longer than I ever would have expected, without getting much back. So needless to say, I was upset. I dumped on her for a good ten minutes, telling her that I always seemed to be the one sacrificing, the one helping her through a tough time. It seemed to me that she only returned the favor when it suited her, when I caught her at the right time.
Obviously I was very short sided in my arguments. I never would have been friends with someone who is that selfish and that self centered. Luckily, she forgave me for dumping on her and even apologized for seeming to selfish, she didn't realize everything was perceived that way. She even pointed out that I only ever seemed to talk to her when I felt lonely. Not because I miss her, but because I miss being with someone. And to be honest, I can't really dispute that in earnest. I do miss her, that much she is wrong about, I can still talk to her about anything in my life and not expect a judgmental word. But the missing being with someone part, I am definitely guilty. That much is clear by this blog all together. I originally started this blog because I just had back surgery and was a homebody for six months. I needed an outlet. And I write best about what I feel. I obviously feel the most strongly about my relationships with people, past and present. They shape who I am, who I was, who I might be.
Laura has been such a huge part of my life, she was there with me when I started college and has been with me up until now. That's over seven years of friendship. That's a lifetime for me. But like I said, even though she is my dearest friend, I do miss being with someone. I renewed writing in this blog to make my feelings known about another relationship. A seemingly much more important relationship. One I thought I could fix with words. One that I thought I could fix with actions. But it seems as though only time can fix it. Truthfully, I know things have changed with that relationship. We aren't the same people we were two months ago. I've seen more growth in myself at this point in my life than I have since getting out of high school. I'm changing my body, I'm changing my schooling, I'm changing the way I perceive things. For instance, there are a lot of negative things in my head that I have wanted to say recently, but I know nothing good will come of it. I know it won't even make me feel better to say it aloud. So it's out of my mind, I don't think about it. That's progress for me. Rather than bringing up something hurtful or juvenile to get my just rewards, I let it slide. Progress.
Moreover, I have let slip the notion that, as of right now, there is anything I can do to get you back. I can't expect you to see a tweet, read a blog post, or return a text message, and hope it makes a difference. It won't. I can accept that now. But I still know you read my tweets, I'm sure you still look at this blog. And that to me is progress too. You may not love me in the way that I love you right now. Because I am still IN love. But you might again sometime. And that, is progress.
//
Song of the day: Nightmare by Guards
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Swoon
No, it hasn't changed.
I still swoon for you
my heart still beats
like a kick drum.
Your smile lights the spark
I can spot it across the room.
It makes me numb.
Unaware of the past
the train wreck
the burning flesh
It just won't happen,
the moment when
we don't mesh.
The time might come
when I am truly forgiven.
I can wait.
//
Song of the day: Cross My Heart by The Rocket Summer
"I know you're going crazy,
but happy is all that you make me.
And now things are gonna get better baby.
I know everything went wrong, OK.
But now it's time to get some better days,
cause I don't want to keep acting this way"
I still swoon for you
my heart still beats
like a kick drum.
Your smile lights the spark
I can spot it across the room.
It makes me numb.
Unaware of the past
the train wreck
the burning flesh
It just won't happen,
the moment when
we don't mesh.
The time might come
when I am truly forgiven.
I can wait.
//
Song of the day: Cross My Heart by The Rocket Summer
"I know you're going crazy,
but happy is all that you make me.
And now things are gonna get better baby.
I know everything went wrong, OK.
But now it's time to get some better days,
cause I don't want to keep acting this way"
Friday, February 8, 2013
Living
My name is Joel.
My living situation is truly horrible right now. Truth be told, I am living with two people who I really do love and absolutely want them in my life. But living with them shines glaring holes in my life. I envy them and I hate them.
First off, they are married (my stepbrother and his wife). And so, as a married couple they obviously show affection for each other and I see all that. By no means am I saying that this is wrong, but it just makes me think of the reason I don't have anyone. Why I don't have the only person I want. It makes me miss the small things, the text messages, sitting next to her on the couch, having that warm body in bed, laying my hand on her hip as I try to relax and sleep. I could find someone else to do that with, but that isn't the point. When you find your person, you don't want anyone else. I only want her. I want her to know that this isn't because we broke up, this isn't a conditional love just because I don't have you anymore. This is the love I was afraid to show you, this unabashed, unfiltered, unadulterated love. Yes, we aren't together. Yes, I should have showed this when we were together. Yes, I made mistakes. Yes, I should have done more. Yes, I went overboard with my words trying to get you back. I want to get you back more than I've wanted anything in my life, I will treat you like the princess you deserve to be treated like. I will defend you, I will honor you.
My living situation is truly horrible right now. Truth be told, I am living with two people who I really do love and absolutely want them in my life. But living with them shines glaring holes in my life. I envy them and I hate them.
First off, they are married (my stepbrother and his wife). And so, as a married couple they obviously show affection for each other and I see all that. By no means am I saying that this is wrong, but it just makes me think of the reason I don't have anyone. Why I don't have the only person I want. It makes me miss the small things, the text messages, sitting next to her on the couch, having that warm body in bed, laying my hand on her hip as I try to relax and sleep. I could find someone else to do that with, but that isn't the point. When you find your person, you don't want anyone else. I only want her. I want her to know that this isn't because we broke up, this isn't a conditional love just because I don't have you anymore. This is the love I was afraid to show you, this unabashed, unfiltered, unadulterated love. Yes, we aren't together. Yes, I should have showed this when we were together. Yes, I made mistakes. Yes, I should have done more. Yes, I went overboard with my words trying to get you back. I want to get you back more than I've wanted anything in my life, I will treat you like the princess you deserve to be treated like. I will defend you, I will honor you.
"You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve,
and I have always buried them deep beneath the ground
Dig them up; let's finish what we've started.
Dig them up, so nothing's left unturned."
Flaws by Bastille
Sorry about that tangent, I just have so many feelings about her, it's impossible for me not to sound like a sentimental sap. But yeah, so back to my living situation.
The other horrible thing about my situation is that I am unable to drive at the moment. It's super frustrating. So I rely on friends to take me places, otherwise I am caged into places within walking distance. Luckily, I work just a stone's throw away, so that is awesome. But relying on people for anything is a tough thing for me. I am usually a giver, I'm not good at accepting help, and if I do, its begrudgingly. So it's not very often that I get to go out and do fun stuff. Here recently, my stepbrother (Brady) and I have been going to a bar called 9 Irish Brothers on Friday nights. We have quickly become regulars. We just go out, have a few beers, talk, have a little bit of fun. Well this is a big highlight of my week, I am out of the apartment, it's nice. But when Tabitha (his wife) is guilt tripping him or if Brady just doesn't feel like it, I don't get to do this thing I look forward to. And it makes me so mad. The worst part is, I don't think they realize that what they do directly effects me, either that, or they don't care. I wouldn't be surprised at either.
In other news, I have my classes scheduled out until next year, which is kind of exciting. I am really looking forward to getting into the meat of my classes and challenging myself again. Also, I sent an email to Invisible Children to see if I could pursue an internship for college credit with them. Being that all of my classes are online and that my ultimate goal is to work for them, it seems like an ideal choice. So I hope that is something that can happen.
So yeah, a lot of the things right now are out of my control. It's terrifying. I want to have some input on what happens, it doesn't seem to be in the cards right now. I'm swallowing my pride in regard to my love life. I only want one. If she is reading this, I love you.
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